Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
