i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
