did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
