wakey wakey hands off snakey
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
This beer is not sobering me up at all
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You can't just leave with hair like that
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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