So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
