Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
