If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
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There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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