so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
