dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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