my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
