friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
