yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
