I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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