The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Found the puke drawer
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
