nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
wow bdsm is so cute
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