Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
