I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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