My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
