Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
