totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
