I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
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