Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
