LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
