why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
