Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
