My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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