Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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