franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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