don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
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The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
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I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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