So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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