I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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