i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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