I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
