I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
