no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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