I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
