He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
