So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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