did i walk over a car last night?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
