6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
