Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
