Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My liver just had a heart attack.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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