Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
