im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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