If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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