apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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