Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
