Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
