I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
