We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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