hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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