I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
