Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
