nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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