As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
