Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
