just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
