Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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