drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
