I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
