It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
