sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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